Clay’s decision to be emotionally vulnerable saved his relationship with AD and his story could help other men
The Big Picture
- Clay acknowledges toxic masculinity in his past relationships.
- Men like Clay have a history of dumping trauma on partners, leaving the women as their sole emotional support.
- Clay’s past affected relationship interactions, but his love for AD made him want to be a better version of himself.
Clay Gravesande has had an interesting time on Love Is Blind. Very early on in the reality dating experiment, he became set on building his connection with Amber Desiree Smith, aka AD. But his road to cementing their relationship was a challenging one. Clay came off as extremely superficial after he asked AD to describe what she looked like, and it was one of the first instances that AD began to consider switching her focus from Clay to Matthew Duliba. When Clay realized the error of his ways, he apologized to AD, who expressed appreciation before sharing her conflicting feelings between Matthew and Clay. Clay got angry immediately, saying he didn’t want to hear about her other connections before storming out. Once again, AD was left upset and was once again drifting toward Matthew. Luckily for Clay and AD, Matthew’s true colors were soon revealed thanks to fellow cast member, Amber, who revealed Matthew said similar things to woo her as he did with AD during their dates. After a solid confrontation, AD was done with Matthew.
At the same time, Clay continued reflecting on his actions. He once again apologized to AD for his reaction to her talking about Matthew, and they were able to turn things around. He proposed, and their connection was instantaneous upon seeing each other outside the pods. Clay continued to share more about his feelings and his background. He began to do a lot more introspective work, something unexpected based on the way he portrayed himself earlier on. Clay comes off as the typical “Alpha Male,” which is generally a red flag for most women.
Clay Addresses His Childhood Traumas on ‘Love Is Blind’
The term is almost synonymous with toxic masculinity. Toxic masculinity is defined by the Anxiety and Depression Association of America as: “The way men are culturally trained and socially pressured to behave. Its three core tenants, toughness, anti-femininity, and power, range in expression from person to person, but all combine to create the sense of ‘manliness.’” Toxic masculinity does not seem toxic to those who subscribe to that kind of thought; however, according to the ADAA, it is contributing to increased cases of depression and anxiety in men. Society has taught men that expressing their sadness and insecurities is a feminine trait, which leads to emotional suppression. The ADAA states, “Emotional suppression lays the foundation for shame when unsanctioned feelings arise which position anger and rage as the only acceptable masculine emotion. This ‘man up’ attitude matures into a rejection of empathy toward others and repackages nurturing impulses as weak.’” Clay, who looks and sounds like the typical “alpha male,” has begun to explore and examine the emotions that have arisen throughout the process. His journey is one that could help countless other men who feel trapped by the fake idea of what a man should be.
Childhood trauma shapes the way people react to stressful situations as adults. As the human brain develops, different stress responses arise, and those neural pathways become solidified as time progresses. The reactions vary from person to person, but the result is always the same. Solidified habits that show up in ways many would never consider until they happen. Men who struggle with the weight of their trauma often dump all of it onto their romantic partners.
According to an article in Harper’s Bazaar discussing heterosexual relationships, women are the only people men are allowed to turn to for emotional support— if anyone at all. Modern relationships continue to put pressure on ‘the one’ to be the only one. Men cast their wives and girlfriends to play best friend, lover, career advisor, stylist, social secretary and emotional cheerleader, as well as mom to him, their future kids, or both, and eventually an on-call therapist minus the $200/hour fee.
Did Past Experiences Affect Clay and AD’s Relationship?
This form of emotional gold-digging is not only detrimental to men, it’s exhausting an entire generation of women.” It’s emotionally exhausting for one person to bear the weight of their partner’s trauma, especially when they have their own trauma to deal with. The issue is so prevalent that psychologists have coined a term for it. Normative male alexithymia is defined as: “The persistent idea that seeking therapy is a form of weakness has produced a generation of men suffering from symptoms like anger, irritability, and aggressiveness because not only are they less likely than women to pursue mental health help, but once they do, they have a hard time expressing their emotions. This is so common there’s even a technical term for it: ‘normative male alexithymia.'”
When Clay re-examined his responses in both of the tenuous situations with AD, he realized his response was rooted in ego and fear, and he quickly rectified it by apologizing and not continuing the behavior. The fact that he was able to do this on his own is an incredible feat, especially for someone who admittedly has never been in therapy. Clay watched his parents’ marriage fall apart when he was young. He saw his father’s infidelity and how it affected his mother, and it made him fearful of how he’d behave in his adult relationships. What he experienced is a form of trauma that deserves to be addressed.
Evolve Therapy says that a child witnessing a parent having an affair can carry the effects into their adulthood. They state: “Studies have shown that children who experience their parents’ infidelity may be more susceptible to trust issues in their future relationships, fearing that they too will be betrayed. Witnessing infidelity can lead to feelings of inadequacy, which can affect a child’s self-esteem and self-worth. Some children may exhibit behavioral problems, such as acting out in school or engaging in risky behavior, as a coping mechanism. In adulthood, individuals who witnessed their parents’ infidelity may encounter difficulties in maintaining healthy relationships.” Clay has shared feelings that do fall in line with some of the effects mentioned. He has shared several times that he is worried about cheating on AD, as he doesn’t want to put her through what he saw his mother go through.
It may seem simple to people who haven’t experienced what he has: just don’t cheat. But his fear is less about the act of cheating and more about hurting AD, a fear connected directly to his experience. Clay is not perfect by any means, and he’s said some terrible things that are still kind of a walking red flag, but his willingness and openness to change will help with that in the long run. If more men followed Clay’s example, they could shake themselves free from the ideals that are keeping them isolated, insecure, and depressed.
