If you’re hearing a weird clapping noise rn, it’s probably the sound of me giving a huge round of applause to the overseas producers of Love Is Blind. It seems the team handling casting for the new UK version has managed to cast a group of well-adjusted, level-headed, attractive adults that don’t (as far as we know right now) have a secret girlfriend at home and raging narcissistic tendencies. I’m already in love with all of my new unproblematic queens and kings — except for Sam. Sam, sam, sam, where do I even begin? According to the famously gracious UK tabloids, Sam is a private school kid whose wealthy mummy is the reason he decided it was about damn time to nail down a wife (he actually confirmed that second part in his official bio). Being born spoiled isn’t anyone’s fault (in my next life I’d actually love to have that problem, pls thx) but what viewers instantly could read through the screen is Sam’s frightening entitlement to love. Like, yes, we all inherently deserve to be loved for who we are but that doesn’t mean you can literally demand it on a silver platter. For those of you frantically wondering as you watch if this man can actually be real: the answer is yes, as proven by this breakdown of Love Is Blind UK Sam’s villain moments.

Sam From Love Is Blind UK’s Red Flags

Sam changed his looks for love

Bare with me now! Nothing wrong with a man or woman doing a little tweak to feel better about themselves. In fact, I was surprised when he said he’d gotten a nose job because the work is so natural, you’d never guess. However, Sam also admitted he began heavily training for the first time leading up to LIB UK because the next wedding he would go to would hopefully be his own. And yet, he had the nerve to ask multiple women in the pods if they worked out regularly and pretended to be surprised when their answer was no. Bro, you just started lifting yesterday. Chill.

Sam’s Argument With Jasmine In The Pods

When sweet baby angel Jasmine lightly questioned if Sam was perhaps just telling her everything she wanted to hear because it all sounded too good to be true, he instantly went into a poor me temper tantrum calling her “ridiculous” and dramatically lamenting that he should “just give up”. Good guys never win? Really? Guess it’s harder being a conventionally attractive, financially secure British white man with straight teeth than I thought. The fact is Sam did spout gratuitous fairytale bits at every girl who would listen. It’s not just what Sam says. Lines like “the way I’m feeling about you without even seeing you is crazy” are part of the cringe LIB tried and true verbiage. But the way he rattles them off in an unnatural, smothering rant makes it read disingenuous and uncomfy. I know he was being flippant by suggesting “Maybe I’m meant to be with no one” but when you lash out in response to people trying to go deeper with you, you probs should be alone until you can work through that shit.

Sam: “I’m just a boy who wants to be loved”

The way Sam pictures a happy relationship is very Sam-oriented. He told Jasmine he wanted to pick her solely because she would “give [him] the love and affection” he needs and be “quite a big rock in [his] life.” He says more times than I count how he’s just a guy who wants to be loved, he has no idea why women don’t go for him because he doesn’t give off fuck boy energy, and golly gee is it too much to ask for his one true love to give in already?!? I get it, when you feel like you’re a catch and yet your hook remains empty it can get frustrating, but why do these women have to feel like they’re at gunpoint to say yes to this guy? After love-bombing Nicole into shying away from Benaiah, he tells her “he’s just a boy who wants to be loved” and now that he has her he’s finally found it. It’s not giving fairytale, Sam, it’s giving Effie in Dream Girls screaming “You’re gonna love me” until her lungs give out.

Sam was worried Nicole was fat

Yes, you read that right. Sam was painstakingly visualizing out loud the moment Nicole would run across the red carpet, jump into his arms and he could swing her around like a full-blown romantic comedy. Nicole jokingly started to reply, “What if you can’t?” presumably because has no idea what Sam’s build is. Then, after remembering physicality is supposed to be removed from the equation, Nicole quickly says “Never mind” to discussing looks. Back in the guys’ lounge, Sam feigns happiness but then quickly pulls his confidants to confess in barely coded language that Nicole may have implied she’s too heavy to be picked up. AKA what a total yuck monster!! The guys have to convince him it’s “probably just an ankle sprain” to get him to come off it. So I guess for Sam, love is just temporarily blind.

Sam’s Awkward Proposal To Nicole

Nicole my love, you done fucked up. It was actually this proposal from hell that started to help her see the light of how she massively flopped by not heeding Benaiah’s warning. Sam put the ring on the wrong finger (divine intervention, perhaps?) and then said to Nicole out loud “You’re too good for me.” Ladies, when a man tells you he is unworthy it’s not a cute self-deprecating joke. Believe him the first time!!! Then, in his confessional, Sam says he “doesn’t care what anyone else thinks” because “to him” “Nicole is gorgeous.” Uhhh… Nicole is beautiful and I can’t fathom why anyone with eyes would think otherwise, nor why her brand-new fiance would need to qualify her looks in the first place.

Does Nicole dump Sam for Benaiah?

Yes, based on the end of the fourth episode and the season trailer, Nicole ditches Sam as soon as they get to their honeymoon and initiates a conversation to get Benaiah back once she’s returned to the UK. Now, if Benaiah accepts her apology and wants a second chance is still a cliffhanger. Someone hand me a pint.